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· · Fifty Shades of Grey Official Trailer #2 (2015) - Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson Movie HD A literature student Anastasia Steele meets a handsome, yet. Young Slave Girl Gets A New Home And Immediately Pleases Her New Master. E! Entertainment Television, LLC. A Division of NBCUniversal with news, shows, photos, and videos.

Fifty Shades Darker Review: 5. Thoughts I Had While Watching by Myself at 1. AMAlert: Some Fifty Shades Darker spoilers are ahead. Before we begin, I need to be honest: I've never read a Fifty Shades book, and I didn't see the first movie.

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I went to see the Fifty Shades of Grey sequel Fifty Shades Darker by myself and this is what happened.

I tell you this only to explain that I have very little context for Fifty Shades Darker. This isn't because I'm a very cool person with obscure or high- brow sensibilities, above such tawdriness (though you should absolutely proceed under the impression that I am a very cool person), but simply because there is only room in life for so many things, and Fifty Shades was just not one of my things……until this morning, when I went at 1. A. M. (the theater's earliest showing), by myself, to a screening of Fifty Shades Darker, armed only with my Women's March T- shirt and the knowledge of the franchise I'd picked up by osmosis from being a person on the Internet (which is to say, I knew more than I ever cared to know about it; this thing is everywhere). All in the name of journalism!

Here's what happened. There are six to seven other people in this theater; all of them appear to be older than I am. I see only one guy; everyone is alone. The projector is broken, so we're listening to the sounds of the trailers in the dark. It kicks on in time for the Baywatch trailer, which seems appropriate.

The last trailer before Fifty Shades is for Beauty and the Beast, which is kinda Fifty Shades for kids, no? Nice girl, likes to read, gets involved with a kinky rich guy who keeps his women locked up but may or may have a heart of gold. Oh my God, it's starting. Why didn't I think to bring any wine?

Christian's dream flashback to his abusive childhood is sad and all, but why in the Year of Our Lord 2. Coldplay's "The Scientist"? Anastasia's boss knows how she likes her tea: "Weak.

Black." The weak- light version of black is gray, so on the one hand this is a clever line, but on the other, there is a better tea pun to be made, and it's Earl Grey. But on the third hand, doesn't Ana seem like the jasmine/peppermint type?

OK, enough about the tea. The other girl at Anastasia's office is named Hanna. The running Ana/Hanna jokes will be my favorite part of this movie.)"If I had asked, you would have been like, 'I'm too shy,'" says Ana's friend José of his decision to—without her knowledge or consent—display and sell giant photographs of Ana at his art show. Not only is this A- plus character exposition; it's also pretty much the definition of not respecting a friend's boundaries. Good to meet you, José! Ana and Christian are spending a long f- cking time staring at each other. You can really see the Twilight influence lingering.

The moment Ana cancels the steak Christian ordered for her and chooses a quinoa salad instead—I know I like this girl. Referring to a "conversation" Christian had with her while she was asleep, Ana says, "A key part of good communication is that both parties be conscious." That is an excellent point and one that we should all keep in mind. Oh, Ana. So smart but so weak. You're about to take him back, aren't you? She's taking him back. If my billionaire boyfriend handed me a big box with a bow on it and then inside was a laptop and an i.

Phone, I would honestly be pissed. Ana has a job; I'm sure she already had a laptop and a phone. Give her a pair of nice shoes or some art or, like, some expensive cheeses or something! Ana texts Christian: "Laters baby." Laters baby. OK, note: I have since gone back and watched the first one, which provides some context for the "laters baby" and the laptop and phone, but I would still prefer cheese.)"Hmm. This bedraggled- looking woman with a bandage on her wrist was clearly waiting for me outside my place of work and knew my name. But my boss wants us to go to the bar for a drink, so I guess that's what I'll do instead of figuring out what's going on with my potential stalker." —Anastasia Steele's thought process"He wants what's mine." "Calm isn't really my forte." —Christian Grey's thought process and also actual words that he speaks out loud.

I don't know what's going on. Hugging is off- limits? And Christian is buying the publishing company where Ana works, but I thought he was already in publishing? And was she a virgin before they met or, like, what?"I was being romantic and then you go and distract me with your kinky f- ckery." Ana, I like you a lot. When Christian transfers thousands of dollars into Ana's bank account, she rightly demands to know how he has her account information. And then the movie literally cuts to them at breakfast.

Ana pays and agrees to go with Christian to a ball. She completely drops the question of how he has her bank account information, and spoiler: It is never brought up again. Apparently Christian and Kim Basinger had a thing when he was a teenager? I think they're referencing the first book/movie? Ana decides this is a good time to bring up the stalker, who, surprise, is someone whose head Christian previously f- cked with."You can either walk or I can carry you; it's your choice." —Christian to Ana, misunderstanding what "choice" means and also speaking exactly the way parents are supposed to with unruly toddlers. Why does Christian have a room full of ballgowns with the tags still on them, not to mention women's shoes, lingerie, and accessories?

I get that he's a billionaire, but there is a name for the place rich people keep the nice clothes they may or may not need: the store. He looks really good in formalwear.

I get it now. Damn. Ana's lipstick at this ball is pretty.

Note to self: Be like the good people at The Hairpin and track down the color for your readers. I'm not saying I want to try those vagina balls, but................................................. Series 26 Practice Test Questions.

I might need to try those vagina balls. At the ball: The band is playing Cole Porter–era standards. Meanwhile, the decor is strictly The Masked Orgy in Eyes Wide Shut But Tacky. IT'S MARCIA GAY HARDEN!

HEY GIRL! IT'S RITA ORA! IN A MASK! Spanking is not fun to watch. Ana is in the bathroom reapplying her makeup (the lipstick appears to be in a thin silver tube, but I can't see the label) when Kim Basinger walks in and they talk about…I don't care.

Christian's messed up, whatever. If the Fifty Shades PR team wants to send me a sample of whatever shade (har har har) Anastasia is wearing, seriously, please do. Someone spilled paint on Ana's car; is that a thing people do? They're on a boat. They don't bang to the Taylor/Zayn song? Are you kidding? It's just shots of the boat?

They have sex to literally every other song but the Taylor/Zayn song? I give up. I'm supposed to be thinking about how Ana's jerk boss is being a jerk and how her controlling boyfriend is being controlling and won't let her go to New York on a work trip, but I'm distracted by how bad the texting graphics are. They're ugly little Windows 9.

The business meeting happening while Christian texts Ana is basically about how Grey Enterprises is a shady (har har har) and possibly corrupt corporation. The red room! I thought they went into the red room in the first movie? What the hell did they even do in the first movie if it was all about kinky sex and Ana still doesn't recognize a nipple clamp? Shouldn't they be bruised?

And, like, tied up? I get that he's trying to be a person who doesn't hurt people, but this isn't even BDSM; it's, like, vaguely playful. The thing that Christian doesn't think Ana is ready for is a bar that goes between her ankles and keeps her legs apart while he does her doggy style. Now, I've never used a contraption like that, but I imagine that Ana has heretofore been perfectly capable of keeping her legs spread apart all on her own, making the sensation this time…roughly the same? Are there ball gags and whips and stuff in the first one? Damn, I'm totally going to watch the first one. As predicted (and shown in the trailer), jerk boss becomes physically intimidating boss, but then Ana knees him in the balls!

Yas, Ana! The level of product placement in this is incredible.